July 2016

Crack of Dawn

 I was startled awake by Queen TTs, my step-cat companion, stomping around and crinkling every crinkle-able thing. Which is normal for her. Just not something The Queen usually does at 5:45am. Things have been a bit off since I’ve been in-between jobs and typically ready to start my day around 8am. Although this is a lot more pleasant of a wake-up than, idk, bits of mouse carcass and bones and fur being hurked up by my feet. I’ll definitely take some passive aggression to that end.

My confidence has been exceedingly low, lately. Semi-celebrated my bornday on Saturday which was hard because of joblessness and anxiety and general sadness. However, being gifted a bacon cheeseburger, a book (Dirty River: A Queer Femme of Color Dreaming Her Way Home by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha), and the first volume of Rat Queens were fabulous trade-offs to Actually Venturing Outside.

Managing money is heavy on my mind. I forgot to cancel some subscriptions, so I’m $20 more broke than was originally assumed. I have been making an effort to communicate my anxiety about financial woes, now that “budgeting” is literally trying as hard as possible not to spend any money. After this bout of grocery shopping, we will have to go to a food pantry to replenish if I don’t find employment in the next week or so. I am very aware of the thinning cushion of Finding a Stable Job w/ Good Benefits. I am also very aware of the burnout that results in taking whatever comes for right now. My mental health has been super rocky with the realization that none of the steps I take will ever be right unless something changes systemically.

 I am also having a super difficult time processing information? Well, processing information and applying it to myself, I guess? I don’t know. Long walls of text, job descriptions, lots of data and charts- my brain just shuts off. Unsure what that means for me, accessibility-wise, just throwing that out there.

As for writing, I have a couple stories brewing. I have a habit of writing stores and setting them aside for random periods of time, If I can get some assistance in recouping that $20, I could totally be convinced to post them a little less randomly.

 Best,
BlackFatFemmeWrites

 

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